uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
