dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I intend to get homeless drunk
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
