I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
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