I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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