I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
