guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
It's official drugs can't kill me
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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