I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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