i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Randomize
