How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
