My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
