So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
