Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
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