my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
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