I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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