remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
A+ Viking dick
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize
