Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
