For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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