I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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