The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
