He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Randomize
