awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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