I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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