NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
