Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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