I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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