Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
