if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
