I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
