My room smells like vodka and shame
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
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