the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
