If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
