he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
