did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
