hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
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