why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
