I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
