You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
