I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
