i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
