i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
