i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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