Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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