Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
