i was born a porn star she said
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I looked at my own cervix.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
