Jerry, you need to find god
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
