Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Pooping to opera.
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