Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
