My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
