How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
And then my night got REAL pukey
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
