The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
