I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
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