I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Randomize
