I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
