My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
