you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
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