Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
