I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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