john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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