I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
