Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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