i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
