i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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